I've always heard that your twenties are for discovering who you are. And as I approach my 28th birthday I've been doing a lot of soul searching into who I am and what I truly want for myself and for my life. In the past few years of my life especially I have had some of the biggest highest and lowest lows that have really made me question everything. And when I say everything, I mean that - who do I want to be? What do I want to do with my life? What kind of wife do I want to be? What kind of husband do I need? What kind of mother will I be? What is the purpose of MY life? Questions that I believe you can only answer with God.
I've always wanted to have a better relationship with God. And I use the term "better" but in reality, the truth is I had no real relationship up until a year and a half ago. I was raised in a Christian family but a lot of my faith was practised because that's what I was expected to do, and I didn't want to upset my mother (who is the most spiritual person I know) But a few years ago, I found myself in a pretty low place in my life where I was questioning the point of it all. And like most people do when life gets too much for them to handle, I turned to God. I'd like to tell you that it's been a steady progression since then but the truth is, it hasn't. Like most changes, they take a while to stick, but one thing I am eternally grateful for is that God doesn't give you a finite number of chances. He doesn't hold how many times you mess up against you. No matter how many times you fall, or make the same mistakes, He's always there to accept you and take you back in when you're ready to try again.
I've always run away from the idea of being a "good Christian" because I just believed that it would mean a life of restriction. I didn't want to stop having fun or become one of those "holier than thou" church people that can't seem to shut up about how good God is. But now that my eyes have opened I've learned that that was just a way for the devil to keep me away from the truth. Think of yourself as a little kid, and how many times your parents told you what to do or what not to do. Sure as a child, you probably believed your parents were horrible people out to ruin your life but now with hindsight and maturity, you know that all those rules were for your benefit, to keep you safe, and ultimately because they loved you and wanted what was best for you. And that's the same way our relationship with God is. Now that I'm learning more about Him, and through that learning more about myself, I realise how good He is - and I want to share that with everyone too! I've become one of those people! Lol.
I don't know God anywhere near as well as I would like to, but there are so many tools to help. For instance, your church's bible study programs, reading plans on the Bible app, engaging in everyday conversation with people on similar journeys, and just spending alone time speaking and praying to God. Another cool thing I did was seek out a mentor. Well in all honesty, I didn't seek her, our paths just crossed and we connected. And that in itself is a blessing because I really admire and respect her, and most importantly she knows God and I trust her to advise me.
I had my first official meeting with her earlier this week and it honestly was the most therapeutic thing I've ever done. Sometimes you need a completely neutral person to show you the patterns you've developed (some of which you've done subconsciously) and I realised how some of the things I've been through in my life have shaped my character and ultimately the person that you see today. Without getting too deep, let's just say that it was a very revealing 2-hour conversation.
The truth is, we are all works in progress. Each one flawed in one way or another, and some more broken than others. But no matter what we've been through there is solace and comfort to be found from the Lord. It truly is just a matter of accepting Him and allowing Him to change you and make you a better person. We're all like onions with a layer upon layer to get to the core of who we truly are, and that process can take a lifetime truly, but God is leading us onto a path of perfection and that's nothing short of incredible.